Not being there.

It's amazing how one phone call can make your day go from good to absolutely horrible. Or can instill in you a sense of fear or dread.

On Wed the 11th (of Feb) I left to go to Tennessee for a week. It's a six hour drive, which isn't that bad, and the drive went well. I arrived about 3 in the afternoon, went through my "new" house a bit and then got ready for church. Josh and I (along with his parents) went to church together and we ended up going to choir practice while his parents were playing ping-pong. Now, of course my parents knew when I arrived because I called them. They knew I was safe and knew I planned to go to church that night. What they didn't know was a call was coming.

About 8:30, we get into the van in the church parking lot, and headed to go to walmart. I had a missed call from my mom on both of my phones (I have a TN phone and an AR phone). I listened to her voicemail and immediately was dreading calling her back. All it said was, "Kelsey, this is Mom. Call me back." I couldn't completely understand what she was saying because she sounded like she was crying.

I tried calling her back about 7 times - and I didn't reach her. Hearing my mom cry on the phone and then not being able to reach her is a scaring feeling. She called me back about 3 minutes later from my Uncle Kelly's house (which I thought was weird). That was the call.

kelsey: Mom, are you okay? what's going on?
mom: Aunt Brenda is dead. Uncle Kelly found her when he got home from work. She's gone.
kelsey: What happened? Does anyone know anything?
mom: Kelsey, I can't talk right now. I'll call you later.

My Aunt Brenda died on Wednesday, February 11, 2009. She was only in her 50s. She has been in our family for over 30 years because my uncle married her when they were 16.

The autopsy was inconclusive. She had gone to the ER that day for a migraine - and they perscribed medicine for pain. We're waiting for the blood work. Unfortunately, it seems my Aunt died from an accidental overdose.

And because I was with my fiance in TN, I wasn't there. I missed the visitation. I missed the funeral. I missed my family.

I wasn't there.