Identity Crisis

I'm so glad that God is smarter than I am. I'm glad He knows what's best for me.

My high school "career" was tough - at least, I think it was. Yes, some do have it worse than I did, but it was hard. I have the need, if you will, to please people. That's a great thing to possess for the new job I have (which is in a customer service department of the same company who employs my husband *tehehe*), but for a female middle child who is nothing like her siblings, it's terrible. I know everyone goes through a stage of wanting to fit in, but mine was more like an era of wanting to fit in. Know where I'm going yet?

Mom always said I was pretty. "You could wear a burlap sack and make it look fashionable, sweetheart." But then again, she was biased towards her baby girl (which is what she actually calls me). Now, I know I was "fearfully and wonderfully made," but how can a 14 year old girl apply that to her life when everything around her is telling her to be thin, to find someone who loves you, to fit in?

My freshman year of high school, I found who I thought was the bomb-diggity. We dated for about two years, off and on, which was horrible and emotionally draining. Because I had no real identity (in Christ or otherwise), it was very easy to persuade me or to play on my emotions. It was during this time that I lost about 30 pounds by changing my eating habits and maintained that weight loss by running about 8 miles a day on average. I stopped wearing make up of any type and basically lost all of my friends (who, as it was, were encouraging me to end the relationship). The relationship did end (thank goodness!) when this young man was unfaithful.

My junior year, I was all about family. I didn't do much with any friends, but I was at every church event and didn't miss a single of my brother's sporting events. I excelled in the choir program of which I was a member and I had a 4.1 GPA. I basically tutored a friend in Spanish class and so we would both have passing grades.

This same fellow who needed help in Spanish class was who I next dated. We dated for about 5 months throughout our senior year. He was a really good friend before we started dating and now I will be happy if I never have to speak to him again. This relationship ended mutually (although not for the same reasons) and abruptly.

During the last little while of the relationship, I started getting closer to my family again, specifically my mom. We would exercise together (about 10 miles a day walking) and lay out in the sun and work together. It was because I was so close to my mom during this time that I met the strong, sincere, loving man who was to become my husband, but only after I found my identity in the One who made me.

I have a sovereign God who orchestrates every aspect of my life - from relationships, to sickness, to the shoes in which I run. Dear friends, know that He is all-knowing, all-loving, and even when things seem like they will never get better, look Up.

(Miss you, EC friends. Praying for you)